First Publishing Attempt

How to Hunt Panthers in the Florida Everglades:
A field guide by Ross, in 2 volumes

I

So you’ve decided to hunt panthers in the Florida Everglades? Good for you! This is an exciting step in the life of an aspiring hunter. The first thing you must do is procure a car. Good- do you live in the Everglades? Ok. Then you will next want to drive to the Everglades. Did you remember to bring a gun? Seriously? You’re going on a hunting expedition! How do you expect to bag a panther? Oh, I see- just yanking my chain.

The next step is critical; find a panther. This shouldn’t be difficult, because you’re in Florida and they’re called Florida Panthers, not Chilean Panthers or Tawainese Panthers. If it does prove to be a challenge to locate a panther, you will, quite frankly, need to look harder. It’s not like the panther is hiding from you. It has no concept of weapons, life, or death- because it’s a panther- and has not eaten today. I promise, it’s hunting you as well.

The next step may be even more vital to your success in hunting a panther in the Florida Everglades. Having found a panther in the Florida Everglades, and having brought your gun, you will lastly need to shoot it. Good, that sounded great- got ‘em directly between the left eye and left ear, bullet firmly lodged in the temporal lobe. Boy, if that didn’t kill it, then it surely bleed to death within the hour.

Congratulations! You have now hunted a panther in the Florida Everglades!

II

You will now begin feeling an emotional state somewhere between regret and remorse. Oh man, you should NOT have killed that panther, especially not in the Florida Everglades! They’re a protected species, dumb dumb! Your next step is your choice, I’m backing off this one; it could go either way and will tell you a lot about yourself and your character. You might attempt to dispose of the carcass. Wait until you can be assured that the panther is no longer of this world. You may also wish to wait until dusk to minimize the risk of being sighted. Shoot it again, even. Better safe than sorry! Next, feed it to the alligators. Nobody’s ever finding that panther in the Florida Everglades. Whew, that was a close one!

If you are a lesser, more cowardly man (ed- I’m assuming if you’re hunting panthers you are either a male, or a female that disgusts me on a level which will prevent me from ever feeling the slightest tinge of sexual desire towards) you may choose to fess up to your poor decision. You just TRY to blame it on me, pal. It’s a free country. That means freedom of the press. Have fun in federal prison, chump! All this because you wanted to hunt a panther in the Florida Everglades. You should’ve called your wife and kids first, told them you love them. It’s too late, buddy. You straight up killed that panther! In the Florida Everglades, of all places!

The next step is to feel a great deal of hostility and animosity towards me, the author. But soon that feeling will subside. Just realize that I’ve only done my job and we all lie in the beds we’ve made. You got what you wanted, as despicable as it may be. I can live with that. The final step in this process is to accept yourself for the cold-hearted panther killer that you are. Great work.

White Guys Rapping Are Always Funny To Me

Famous Hip Hop Lyrics, if they were written by Steve McEllan, 36 year old claims adjuster residing in Lincoln, Nebraska

1) “I gotz da skillz that provide a living wage for me and my family. Sure, we have  a few luxuries, cable television and a DSL connection, but we’re content to live rather modestly.”

2) “Straight outta Compton is a troubled teen who has obviously fallen through the cracks in the system and bought into the trappings of his surroundings. What he really needs is a positive role model; perhaps a “big brother” type figure. I would gleefully offer my time, but Saturdays are so busy, what with little Joey’s Little League games and college football on television.”

3) “Who let the dogs out? Because they destroyed my wife’s petunia planter last Tuesday. Jim next door also said that something had been rummaging through his recyclables the night before last. It was probably those goshdarn dogs again! I’m about this close to calling the animal authorities, you betcha.”

New Xtranormal Video(s)

I can’t remember when I made most of these…but WATCH THEM PLEASE.

http://www.xtranormal.com/profile/ROSSMARTIAN

SO JON TELLS ME IT’S THE ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THIS THING

Boy how time stands still sometimes…I feel like this thing was made six lifetimes ago. And I stopped thinking about it about three of them ago. The world sure has changed since I last found myself here…economic ruin (but I got a killer job in spite of this), Shaq’s Twitter blowing up the Internet, my heart is no longer in danger of imploding, I made exactly one new friend, and Paul Harvey died.

Let me just say right now…SCREW PAUL HARVEY. That guy was getting paid like $10 million a year to work for about 12 minutes a day…and he read the news like a senile grandpa, at that. To say I harbor resentment for the man is a bit of understatement…the last thing I heard him say was some joke where he rhymed Obama with “your mama”. Seriously? That warranted the man a paycheck like that? Any crazy bum could have written that. Ugh.

Oh and I bought a house….FHA FTW! I live one block from The Devil’s Chair and two blocks from a famed spiritualist camp. And I was visited by a freaky relative of the previous owners, crying in hysterics, who relayed the information that at least 2 people have died in the house…so it’s probably haunted. It was built in 1916, after all. Speaking of which, I found this “historic trail” website of my new neighborhood….the warning is pretty hilarious. The entire thing is a roundabout way of saying “don’t go through the black neighborhood”, which is literally about 10 houses and a black church. Also, my house is older than like half of the homes listed on the trail as noteworthy, what the hell is up with that? WHATEV.

Well, that’s about it, more jokey jokes will be posted until I get bored with this again, probably within the hour. It’s been a good run.

The New York Post Strikes Again!

So the big story this past weekend was that Alex Rodriguez (nickname: A-Rod) failed a steroid test back in 2003. He’s one of the more famous players in baseball, so you’d probably think the headlines would be something along the lines of “MLB Superstar Fails Drug Test” or “A-Rod Admits Steroid Use.” If you think that, though, you’re probably not familiar with the New York Post. Instead, they cooked up this classy headline:

So the World Might Be a Giant Hologram

http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg20126911.300-our-world-may-be-a-giant-hologram.html?page=1

This seemed like it was worth updating the blog for. I’d be pretty happy if our existence was based upon the same technology as Jaws 3-D and that add-on I had for the Sega Master System.

Jon Goes Shopping

Yesterday I went shopping. Here is my review.

Store #1: Goodwill

Intended Purchase: Maybe some records

Actual Purchase: Nothing

Notes: They didn’t have any records. There were also more people than I’ve ever seen in a Goodwill. I attribute this to no one having any money.

Store #2: Best Buy

Intended Purchase: Mortal Kombat vs. DC Comics video game

Actual Purchase: Mortal Kombat vs. DC Comics video game

Notes: I had to pick this up for my brother. The store was pretty empty. Apparently Best Buy carries vinyl now. So if you need a copy of Chinese Democracy or Viva La Vida on vinyl, this is the store for you! It’s also worth noting that these records were  just mixed in with the box sets, so I’m sure no one is even aware that they sell them. I also saw some people playing that Rock Band game; they looked ridiculous.

Store #3: Books-A-Million

Intended Purchase: 2666 by Roberto Bolano

Actual Purchase: Nothing

Notes: Christ, what an awful store. I did hear a really weird version of  “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy” that sounded like Robert Fripp or something. Weird. They have entire tables and racks dedicated to that new vampire book. While I fully support the idea of the general public being really into vampires, those books look really lame.

Store #4: Target

Intended Purchase: I can’t even remember

Actual Purchase: Nothing

Notes: There were actually people in Target. I saw a 4-in-1 DVD that contained Friday, Next Friday, Friday After Next, and All About the Benjamins. I was also enraged by a 2 pack of The Graduate and Garden State. That almost ruined my day.

Store #5: Circuit City

Intended Purchase: I wanted to see if they were going out of business.

Actual Purchase: They weren’t.

Notes: This place is horrible too. It’s actually depressing to go in there. My brother observed that they still sell Gamecube games at full price. Remember when VHS tapes used to cost like $90? I’m sure this shitty store was responsible in some way.

Store #6: World Market

Intended Purchase: Wine

Actual Purchase: Wine, Sake, Peanut Butter Filled Pretzels, Candy Cherries

Notes: This store is pretty nice, despite it’s obvious attempts to make white people feel like they are cultured for buying squid ink pasta. The sake was $2.00, which is probably the cheapest alcohol I’ve ever seen. It will probably destroy whoever drinks it (I got it for my brother). I saw some organic wine. My other brother bought some candy cherries because they looked like actual cherries. In conclusion, nice store but a lot of people who are full of shit probably shop there.

Store #7: Pollo Tropical

Intended Purchase: 2 Pina Colada Smoothies, Yellow Rice with Vegetables

Actual Purchase: 2 Pina Colada Smoothies, Yellow Rice with Vegetables, Yuca Fries

Notes: Nothing much to say here. Instead, I will choose this spot to acknowledge the passing of Dock Ellis. For those not familiar, he was a baseball player primarily famous for 2 things: 1) throwing a no-hitter while on LSD and 2) throwing at the heads of the first five batters in a game against the Reds and getting ejected. RIP Dock.

OK, I’m going to level with you people

I have new hobbies on the Internet and will probably not look at this again for 2 months.  Find me here:

https://twitter.com/rossdoingthings (Holy shit…its Ross…doing things…just like Twitter says to do)

and

http://www.xtranormal.com/users.php?mode=profile&uid=25141

(Holy shit…it’s Ross…and he’s once again abusing a free service for comedic gain)

Mark Kozelek has no friends!

http://www.myspace.com/MARKKOZELEK

No wonder he is such a sad guy. And Red House Painters might be my favorite band, which should explain a lot to a lot of people. ONE LUV.

My Job is Boring But…

…I get to screw around on the computer all day, which leads me to find stuff like this. This Google page monitors the products sold after people search for them. This is a pretty great trio, in my opinion.