How to Hunt Panthers in the Florida Everglades:
A field guide by Ross, in 2 volumes
I
So you’ve decided to hunt panthers in the Florida Everglades? Good for you! This is an exciting step in the life of an aspiring hunter. The first thing you must do is procure a car. Good- do you live in the Everglades? Ok. Then you will next want to drive to the Everglades. Did you remember to bring a gun? Seriously? You’re going on a hunting expedition! How do you expect to bag a panther? Oh, I see- just yanking my chain.
The next step is critical; find a panther. This shouldn’t be difficult, because you’re in Florida and they’re called Florida Panthers, not Chilean Panthers or Tawainese Panthers. If it does prove to be a challenge to locate a panther, you will, quite frankly, need to look harder. It’s not like the panther is hiding from you. It has no concept of weapons, life, or death- because it’s a panther- and has not eaten today. I promise, it’s hunting you as well.
The next step may be even more vital to your success in hunting a panther in the Florida Everglades. Having found a panther in the Florida Everglades, and having brought your gun, you will lastly need to shoot it. Good, that sounded great- got ‘em directly between the left eye and left ear, bullet firmly lodged in the temporal lobe. Boy, if that didn’t kill it, then it surely bleed to death within the hour.
Congratulations! You have now hunted a panther in the Florida Everglades!
II
You will now begin feeling an emotional state somewhere between regret and remorse. Oh man, you should NOT have killed that panther, especially not in the Florida Everglades! They’re a protected species, dumb dumb! Your next step is your choice, I’m backing off this one; it could go either way and will tell you a lot about yourself and your character. You might attempt to dispose of the carcass. Wait until you can be assured that the panther is no longer of this world. You may also wish to wait until dusk to minimize the risk of being sighted. Shoot it again, even. Better safe than sorry! Next, feed it to the alligators. Nobody’s ever finding that panther in the Florida Everglades. Whew, that was a close one!
If you are a lesser, more cowardly man (ed- I’m assuming if you’re hunting panthers you are either a male, or a female that disgusts me on a level which will prevent me from ever feeling the slightest tinge of sexual desire towards) you may choose to fess up to your poor decision. You just TRY to blame it on me, pal. It’s a free country. That means freedom of the press. Have fun in federal prison, chump! All this because you wanted to hunt a panther in the Florida Everglades. You should’ve called your wife and kids first, told them you love them. It’s too late, buddy. You straight up killed that panther! In the Florida Everglades, of all places!
The next step is to feel a great deal of hostility and animosity towards me, the author. But soon that feeling will subside. Just realize that I’ve only done my job and we all lie in the beds we’ve made. You got what you wanted, as despicable as it may be. I can live with that. The final step in this process is to accept yourself for the cold-hearted panther killer that you are. Great work.
