Sometimes I’m Glad I’m Poor

Jesus Christ.

The Past 4 Days Reviewed

• Sanford Flea Market (Flea World)- Bought a bunch of decent $1 CDs. Thought the sign said Magic Johnson was performing at Fun World.  4/5, but could’ve been 5/5 had Thunderhawk been in town.
  
• Daytona Flea Market- No $1 CDs. Way more Harley Davidson related booths. Awesome booth selling a gas mask that was turned into a bong. Saw the worst record stand and a semi-passable record stand like 300 feet from each other. Way inappropriate shirt equating single moms to strippers. Cramped aisles, overpriced produce, and too many Harley Davidson related booths get this one a 3/5.
• Steve’s Downtown Music- Got out of there only having to spend $2 on a crummy 7″. When your only competition is the worst record store in the solar system, I guess you get complacent and feel assured in running a merely crappy record store. Dear lord what was I thinking going back to this place after 3 years? 1.5/5 only because I learned MF’ing AFROMAN is playing across the street at Cafe Da Vinci’s sometime soon. Ooof, how the mighty have fallen.
• A guy I know dying- Total bummer. I’d give it half a point because he died doing something he really enjoyed, but then I have to detract a quarter of a point because I found what he enjoyed pretty disheartening. For all the math majors that’s .25 out of 5.
  
• Deland Big Lots- So good. Bought caramel apple flavored popcorn…like, it’s unpopped and then you pop it and it tastes like caramel apple. Big Lots blowing minds 24/7. Also bought some crucial jelly beans and came real close to buying a copy of Bad Lieutenant with the title translated poorly to say Corrupt Lieutenant. 4.7/5 easily.
  
• Sanford Big Lots- Formerly the mecca of all Big Lots, this time not as cool, but bought some cheap stuff for lunch and got some REAL good old-fashioned licorice. Bonus points for having both Halloween and Christmas decorations out at the same time. 3/5.
• Orange City Big Lots- Big Lots carries soy milk now, and it’s the kind in the paper carton too…meaning no crappy aftertaste. Boo-yah. 3.4/5.
  
• Friend of mine moving 75 miles away- F this, man. 0/50000.
  
• House I’ve been eyeing getting sold- Double F this. I can’t get a loan anyway, so 0/5.
  

Musings on the Miami Arena, Concerning It’s Demolition.

Never been there. Screw it.

161st and River

Tonight, around 8 o’clock, Yankee Stadium will host its final game. And, like everyone else on the internet, I’m going to share my memories of the old place. First, some background information: I was born in 1981 and left New Jersey in the summer of 1992. As any Yankee fan knows, the 1980’s and early 90’s were a pretty awful time for this franchise. I probably attended 20 or 30 games over the years, and while I did get to see some great players (Don Mattingly, Dave Winfield, Dave Righetti) more often than not I saw some pretty awful baseball. Of the 30 games I probably attended, it certainly feels like Chuck Cary started 29 of them. The late 80’s Yankees were a mix of overpriced, aging veterans and prospects who flamed out (its worth noting, all of the good prospects were traded for said aging veterans). But it was always fun to go to the games – especially day games, which meant I got to skip a day of school. One time, we got stuck in traffic outside the stadium and I got to miss a dreaded swim lesson. I might not have the memories that you’ll read about often – World Series victories, perfect games, dramatic wins – but that doesn’t mean I don’t have some good memories. Here are two I’m particularly fond of:

1) Sometime in the late 80’s or early 90’s, the A’s came to town. On this particular day, the crowd decided to turn its’ hatred toward Jose Canseco (a logical target if there ever was one). Not content with verbal harrassment, someone decided to throw a blow-up doll at Jose. In retrospect, this brings up a lot of questions; foremost, how did someone sneak a giant sex toy into Yankee Stadium? But at the time, I didn’t ask questions. I was just glad I witnessed such an event.

2) I really don’t have a clue when this game was, but I was pretty young so I’m guessing mid 80’s at the latest. Anyway, my family and I had just taken our seats in the middle of the row when everyone to the right stood up. Some guy was trying to carry about 6 beers on one of those paper trays. For a while I thought he would pull it off – get to his seat without spilling any beer. Alas, it was not to be. When he was right next to me, he slipped and spilled probably about 70% of the beer on a kid in the seat in front of me. This kid was probably about ten or eleven years old. Did the guy apologize? Did he offer the kid some napkins to dry off with? In a word, no. The kid turned around and the guy did that “I’m-pretending-I’m-going-to-hit-you” thing, where you sort of step towards someone and raise your arms a little. In this man’s mind, this was the logical reaction to spilling beer all over someone.

Anyway, after tonight stuff like that won’t happen anymore. Admittedly, the new stadium, located across the street, is nice. It’s an exact replica of how the stadium looked back in the 20’s, and it promises to offer all of the good stuff found at modern stadiums. But it won’t be the same. Another piece of history will be demolished, clearing the way for a more “fan friendly” experience. Can you imagine Italians tearing down the Colosseum to build something more modern? It’s kind of ridiculous. But here we are, tearing down a historical site so some idiot can get his Dippin’ Dots 2 minutes quicker. A few years ago, I took a trip and saw Fenway Park for the first time. It’s old. The seats can’t really be comfortable if you are taller than 5′6″ and weigh more than 150 pounds. But it had history. Ted Williams and Babe Ruth played there. I guess I’m in the minority, but that’s interesting to me. The new Yankee Stadium, nice as it may be, feels like another attempt to turn New York City into Disney World. We already have one Disney World, and for the most part, its pretty fucking stupid.

Unmarketable skills I’ve gained when I should have been concentrating on other, more important, things

*Balancing pencils on my nose
*Reciting most of the preamble to the Constitution in my head
*Untying shoelaces without the use of my hands
*Learning how to play songs with no more than 3 notes in them with the number pad on a telephone
*Identifying things that closely resemble weird smells found in old books and corners of rooms, then doing nothing to remedy the odors
*Figuring out the current time in foreign countries, then converting that to military time, then figuring out whether or not it would be too late to order a pizza in Belgrade
*Creating new sections for future SAT exams, namely the obstacle course and thumb war competition. A lot of previously under-represented demographics will get scholarships in the future.
*Reproducing hardcore bands’ logos using graphing tools in Excel.

Predictions on how The Shield is going to end

1) John Cavannaugh will come back as the true shadowy leader of Spook Street, having infiltrated IAD in order to break up the Strike Team a couple seasons ago, allowing them to become major players in the Farmington gang scene. The last episode will be Forest Whitaker doing that goofy Spook Street dance for 48 minutes, a la that part in Napolean Dynamite. He will win several Emmys.

2) As the season comes to a close, turmoil at “the barn” will result in Mackey throwing a vending machine right through Billings face, curing Claudette’s cancer, and bringing Lem back from the dead. He will then defeat the entire Armenian mob with one swift judo kick, flex a muscle, and totally grope Corrine. The entire series will be revealed to be a trailer for the new Fantastic Four movie.

3) Aceveda runs for governor of California and hires the surviving members of the Strike Team to blackmail Schwartzenegger into support him, going against his party line. In a moment of weakness, Shane reverts back to his old ways by blowing up the governor’s mansion with a dickload of grenades and Ronnie becomes a legislator, ironically serving on both the Safety & Security Committee and the Ethics Council. This causes him a great deal of inner conflict from his past misdeeds and he storms the State Senate, setting it up as a Waco-esque compound. Aceveda, knowing that he “owes him one”, does nothing and Ronnie transforms the building to operate the way that The Land exhibit at Epcot works, growing hydroponic tomatoes for sustenance, allowing him to in fact “live off the land”. Mackey becomes Head Bikini Inspector at the local public swimming pool. It is not an official position.

A Really Solid Attempt to Steal My Identity

I, like a lot of people, keep a 2nd email address that I use when I order stuff online or register for something. I do this because I know that whatever company gets ahold of said email address will sell it to a hundred other companies, and I don’t want my “real” inbox full of emails with subjects such as “WORK FROM HOME WITH YOUR HUGE PENIS 433243242322.”

Anyway, today I received a pretty good one. It was an attempt to get me to sign up for an American Express card. I found this dubious because a) I already have an American Express card, and 2) I’m pretty sure the real American Express realizes that “American Express” is two seperate words. But really, the best part of this email was the link to sign up for the “card.” Usually, in a scam like this, the people try to fool you. For example, an ebay scam may redirect the link to ebay.net instead of ebay.com – something you wouldn’t notice if you weren’t paying really close attention. So I expected this to redirect to americannexpress.com or americanexxpress.com or somthing. But no. It redirected to jaundicebiblerapper.net.

Jaundice

Bible

Rapper

What a beautiful combination of words. If I were a rich man, I’d let these creative geniuses steal at least a small part of my identity. What does this even refer to? Does P.M. Dawn have a liver condition that I don’t know about? I hope not.

THIS JUST IN!!

WE’RE ALL GONERS.

bummer 2 da max.

(Across the Street) From a Motel 6

I can’t sleep in hotel rooms. I just can’t. The beds are comfortable, the air is cool, and I still can’t fall asleep. Interestingly (or not), if my hotel stay is longer – say a week, I have no trouble sleeping. What an absurd mental weakness to possess. This seems like a good place to mention that Ross once fell asleep at a Type O Negative concert.

Some other thoughts on hotels:

• I believe Hampton Inns are the kings of the decently priced hotels. Obviously, there are cheaper options – Days Inn, Motel 6, etc. But staying at one of those is like playing Russian roulette. Hampton Inns are pretty solid across the board. Not spectacular, but you probably won’t get a room with roaches or a dead body.
• Throughout Georgia and South Carolina, there are some hotels known as Thunderbird Inns. Something about these hotels deeply disturbs me. There is a 70’s aesthetic to these places, and not in a good way. Although it is cool to have a totem pole logo, these places are just a little too proud of being American owned. Like I can just picture some hick-ish family from the mountains of West Virginia (or to be fair, Long Island) driving along 95 and seeing this American owned sign and cheering, the father yelling, “We’re not giving our money to those French faggots at the Days Inn!” Don’t get me wrong, I’m as much for supporting local/American businesses as the next guy, but I just get a bad vibe. Also, are other hotel chains even foreign owned? I’m going to research this.
• Speaking of relics from the 1970’s, I really enjoy indoor swimming pools. They just seem so futuristic. I’d love to stay at a hotel that has an indoor swimming pool and a game room. Maybe I just want to be a child again; can a psychiatrist analyze this post?
• Finally, South of the Border – is that place abandoned, or what? I passed that sucker twice and it looked like a ghost town both times. I’m guessing they still have to be open, because all those billboards are still up and they most cost a fortune to rent (unless they own them). Are people not stopping here anymore? Is it just a fading memory of road trips past, like Stuckey’s?

Well, that about wraps up my thoughts on hotels. Tune in next week for my thoughts on beach houses.

2 Things About My Personal Life That Are Going to Be of Little to No Interest to Anyone But Should Still Be Publicly Reported

1) I’m sort of troubled that the search term “neo nazi” (and several variations of those two words) have become a prime source of hits for this blog….all because I posted a pretty hilarious picture of a neo nazi high schooler with no legs and then watched a documentary about the Klan. I apologize, Jon, it was never meant to come to this. If you’re thinking “Hey Ross, isn’t this just perpetuating more neo nazi views?”, well then, statistically yes you’re right, but like, it’s also attracting an equal number of visitors looking for things like “Nader chicken”, “girl with no legs”, and “fish on a bike”, so I think I’m karmically even with the universe.

2) In the last 48 hours I bought the first 4 Danzig albums. Now, for the first time in my life, it truly feels like a dirty black summer. It’s no coincidence that Hurricane Ike formed at the exact moment I played the devil chant track (TRACK 66 DUDE! WOAH!!!) from “Danzig IV”. Then I played it again…and then again….and then I just put it on repeat to fall asleep to. I’d like to say that when I woke up, I had wolf blood caked onto my sheets and I shirtlessly summoned the goat lord, but the reality of the situation is that I woke up, did my daily sit-ups and jumping jacks, and then ate a fat-free yogurt. Evil takes time to sink in, you know?