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Jane is a Great Patriot and I Cannot Visualize Her Lying

The other day, my mother informed me that a coworker had sent her an email which claimed that Barack Obama was the anti-Christ. Being a big fan of trashy right-wing emails, I couldn’t wait to read it.

According to The Book of Revelations the anti-Christ is:

The anti-Christ will be a man, in his 40s, of MUSLIM descent, who will deceive the nations with persuasive language, and have a MASSIVE Christ-like appeal…. the prophecy says that people will flock to him and he will promise false hope and world peace, and when he is in power, will destroy everything. Is it OBAMA??

I STRONGLY URGE each one of you to repost this as many times as you can! Each opportunity that you have to send it to a friend or media outlet… do it!

If you think I am crazy… I’m sorry but I refuse to take a chance on the “unknown” candidate..

That’s it? What a disappointment. Have Republicans already given up on the election? Back in 2001, these people knew how to write a trashy email. The following is my favorite thing I have ever read on the internet, and I have bolded my favorite parts.

I arrived in Moscow, Idaho (Home of Idaho University one block from Best Western) and went to dinner at Best Western. About 85-100 people were in the Restaurant. I’m at a table for about 5 minutes when this “Group” comes in (20 people). They have Anti-War Picket Signs with them. It appears that two of these demonstrators are Professors.

They all sit at a large round table behind me and begin to talk very loudly about US atrocities in Afghanistan. One of the “Professors” stands up and gives a brief talk about how the “US is famous for atrocities” and Afghanistan will be no different. One of the students asked a question about Viet Nam POW’s. The “Professor” makes a comment about how that was only US propaganda about poor treatment of POW’s.

OK – I’m really mad now and I jump up and go over to their table. (In retrospect – Over the entrance to the Restaurant is a huge American Flag. On each table is an American Flag and a small hand painted sign “United We Stand”). I excuse myself and ask the Professor if I can ask him a question. He says yes. I said that he appears to be of age to have served in Viet Nam, and asked him if he had served. His answer was, “NO – I defended this Campus and told the truth to the students. I then asked if he remembered what he was doing on February 16, 1969. When he answered, “Of course not – that was too long ago,” I responded, “Really, I remember what I was doing. That was the second day of my capture and I had been standing in a bamboo cage for 24 hours with water up to my chest”. I then said “Sir, your comments about how POW’s in Nam were treated are a lie and I personally say to you, you are a ******* liar, as you never were there. I was a POW and they did not treat our POWs humanly. The only other person I have ever heard make the statements like you have is Jane Fonda. Is she telling the truth and not me?” He stood up and after about 10 seconds said, “Jane is a great patriot and I cannot visualize her lying.” With that, I reached over and grabbed the small American Flag and United We Stand sign and said, “I’m taking this back to my table where it can be appreciated”.

No one said a word to me as I started to walk back. However after a few seconds, people started standing up and applauding all around the restaurant. Two men got up from a table across the room and walked over to me. The first identified himself as former US Marine Lieutenant Flynn and the other man was former Gunnery Sergeant Graboski. In a loud voice after introducing themselves, Lt. Flynn said they were former Marine Guards at a US Embassy. He then said, “We are over at this table to defend the US Flag from all foes, both foreign and domestic.” They then sat down and asked their Waitress to bring their meals over to my table. A few more minutes went by with loud comments from the “Anti-War” table. All of a sudden, “Gunny” Sergeant Graboski stood up and in a loud voice said “All of you heard what the President said the other night. You are either with the United States or you are with the terrorists.” He then said, “Please stand and join me in God Bless America.”

As he started singing, people all around the restaurant stood up and joined in. Several of the students at the “Anti-War” table also stood up half way through the song and joined in. Both Professors and the majority of the students remained seated and refused to sing. At the end there was a great ovation.

The Manager came up to my table. (He and his staff came out from the kitchen and sang). He thanked me for what I started and then went over to the Anti-War table and asked them to leave. “I will pay for what you have had so far but I cannot in good conscience serve you – get out now!!

One of the Professors then made a remark “Well, we are not going to pay one dime for how shabbily we have been treated.” As they were leaving, one customer stood up and said, “Manager, here is $5 towards their bill, anyone else willing to chip in to get this scum out of here?” All over the restaurant, people stood up reaching for their wallet and saying, “I’ll chip in” The Manager, in tears said, “My family is from Poland, I am now a citizen and am so proud of what I see tonight.” He started crying and a couple of the waitresses helped him into the kitchen.

The two Marines and I were there for about another 20 minutes and finished our meal. The Hostess came up and showed us more than $100 dollars that all the other tables had told their Waitresses to give towards our bill. I thanked her but said I could not take the money. Lt Flynn suggested donating it in the Restaurant’s name to the New York Relief Fund, so I guess that’s what will happen. I just can’t believe how Americans are coming together now.

Just thought you would like to hear how the rest of the country is reacting to what happened!!!

How someone’s fifteen year old brother spent the afternoon

“THE ONLY GOOD COPPER IS A STRIP-O-GRAM!”- Hard Skin, taken from the song “Copper Cunts”.

HOW I SPENT MY AFTERNOON:

I watched Legally Blonde on television twice. Not, like, the first one and then the sequel. It was on at 3:00 and again at 7:00. Suck it, I didn’t feel real well today.

Cure for boredom.

Search for “no fatties” in the personal ads on Craigslist. You will be instantly not bored. Hah, man the Internet is ridiculous. For example:

*”big booty hos dont care how ugly or old as long u have a big nice soft ass. mostly sexaul want u to teach me. no fatties. would pefer black booty. no relationship”

*”I dont consider myself as having a type. I have had relationsips with many different types of woman. Although I do not date outside of my race and prefer petite, please no fatties.”

*”My interests are cruising the local walmart for skeezers (namely the baby DEPT and sporting goods DEPT), cruising AA meetings for effin skanks, working out, jager bombs, my new hair cut, jager bombs, wine coolers, skanks. NO FATTIES…seriously though. unless you’re a hot fatty.”

Repeat for pretty much any city you can think of.

Things I’ve Done in the Past 2 Weeks While I Was Sick

1. Went to see Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay. Actually, this was right around the time I got sick (coincidence?). Ross pretty much covered this one already; it was bad.

2. Had a crisis over whether I could like a band called Abe Vigoda.

3. Decided I like the new Coldplay album (fuck you guys).

4. Saw the new Futurama movie, The Beast With a Billion Backs. It was really good, much better than the first one. The most incredible scene involves Bender and his son. I won’t say anymore.

5. For the first time in my life, used a product called ‘Mucinex.’

6. Watched season three of the show Weeds. Man, that show got ridiculous.

7. Got new glasses.

8. Played a metric shit-ton of Tecmo Bowl and Bad News Baseball on www.virtualnes.com

9. Read all of David Sedaris’ articles on The New Yorker website. The one about the beach house is great.

10. Rented the remake of Funny Games but forgot to watch it (watched baseball instead).

11. Didn’t update the blog. Thankfully Ross has been providing some crucial content. Anyway, I mostly feel better and will try to post more.

Businesses that should consider changing their names and/or web addresses

http://www.buttramphoto.com/

http://www.analtech.com/

http://colon-express.com/default.aspx

And I guess we can mention the White Power Co. picture, too. But that was posted a month ago.

 

 

True stories that mean little to nothing in the scheme of things, part 1

One time I almost went to a rave in Miami with my friend Dan because Aphex Twin AND Squarepusher were playing at it. We briefly planned to sell fake drugs and make a killing, using the proceeds to possibly put out a Deltona Wolves 7″. But then we decided hanging out with ravers and paying the door price plus gasoline expenses weren’t worth our time. Instead we went to Best Buy because I found a gift card in my wallet and I bought the first Dead Prez album. Dan got paranoid that someone would hear two white people jamming Dead Prez and get the wrong idea (either from white people thinking we were race traitors or black people thinking we were trying to steal something else from their culture) so he wouldn’t let me play the CD in his car.

Now he makes like a billion dollars a year, so he was probably right about everything.

 

Man, I don’t think I’m much of a prude…but the Internet might go too far sometimes.

I remember this story from awhile back…

And I also just read this story:

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3427331

There are some choice quotes in that one….

When another Web site visitor reposted the message on more mainstream sites and the news media learned of the ensuing investigation and emergency response, Welle said Brahm bragged in a posting, “This is the most epic win ever.”

A federal prosecutor agreed, but argued that Brahm was thrilled when police arrived, tossing his clipboard to the ground, shouting, “Yes!” and raising his arms in celebration.

The Internet has changed the way that crimes will be committed, solved, and reveled in for the rest of time.

So Is This Horse Gonna Win the Triple Crown?

I’m going to watch the race and type this blog as it happens. Right now some really weird little kid just sang “New York, New York.” Horse racing seems like a pretty strange scene.

Commercials now. I hope this starts soon.

Apparently no horse has won the triple crown in 30 years. This seems like a pretty intense sport – the horse could achieve a rare feat, but it could also be euthanized on the track. Not something you see in baseball or football.

Oh man, they’re gonna start.

I wonder if Steve Albini owns a horse named Big Black.

OK here we go.

Big Brown is “composed.”

How many times do they go around the track?

Other horses are just chillin’ in the back.

Oh shit this other horse just kicked it into high gear.

No triple crown for Big Brown.

I’ll never not laugh at a jockey’s voice.

Things I didn’t value when I was 16, but now, 10 years later, I do.

1. the Velvet Underground- I heard “White Light, White Heat” around 10th grade or so and thought it was total bullshit. Granted, my favorite bands at the time were like Screeching Weasel and Slayer…but, like, the drummer didn’t even have cymbals, the recording was so lo-fi it sounded like it was recorded in a trash can, and there was barely any distortion on the guitars. 26 year old Ross cites the Velvet Underground as one of his favorite bands and all of the minimalism that I hated then has become the standard by which I measure most other music. Their 4th album is still pretty bad, though, let’s face it.

2. Asparagus- For many years, this was thought to be the very worst vegetable of all-time. Then I heard, like 5 years ago, that it makes your pee smell funny, so I tried it again. I think I forgot to smell my urine or it didn’t really smell or something, but it turned out to be really tasty and now I buy it pretty often.

3. Sports- It was the “punk” thing to do back in the day to hate on sports. And I was pretty fat (well, still am, but still…) so the idea of venturing far from air conditioning was pretty low on my list of interests. So something clicked shortly after high school and I decided being outside wasn’t too bad. In the year 2008, I can be found running, riding my bike, playing basketball, or messing around with my kayak at least once a day. It’s funny how bikes and camping and stuff became associated with a whole subset of “punk”, too. How the times change. Oh, and I want to learn how to box if anyone wants to help me out by punching me in the face for awhile one day.

4. 2001: A Space Odyssey- CHRIST ALMIGHTY, I hated this movie when I saw it in high school. I remember getting visibly upset and verbally abusive with the dumb sequence at the end with all the lights and stuff. You know, like the last 20 minutes of the movie where there’s no dialog. Nowadays, even if the story line is pretty bare and my short attention span still loses me for the first and last parts of the movie, I can really get down with the detail and visuals that make up pretty much the whole thing. Word.

5. Paying for things- Man, can’t deny a good scheme. I still like the idea of getting one over on some company, be it through shoplifting or working out a receipt scam or whatever you’ve got. But really, while 10 years ago I was perfectly alright with trying to cheat businesses out of their money and inventory, I think I’ve grown up a bit and feel that it’s my responsibility to contribute to our crapper economy. Plus I can choose where to spend my money…ah, the autonomy. And really, exchanging money for goods is sort of like paying insurance on not going to jail. I’m all about that.