An easy mistake to make.
Archive for May, 2008
An Addendum to Ross’ Last Post
May 31, 2008DEAR LORD
May 31, 2008I kinda forgot this blog existed for a few days…and after an irrevocably poor use of my time seeing that Harold & Kumar terrorist movie I felt motivated to post some funny pictures of people and people’s possessions.
THIS DUDE KNOWS HOW TO PARTY
THE NOW UNIVERSAL SIGN OF DISINTEREST AND CONFUSION, REPRESENTED TEXTUALLY BY “WHAAAAA?”
CNN’S COVERAGE OF THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY RACE
A HIGH SCHOOL NEO-NAZI WITH NO LEGS
HARKENING BACK TO THE HURRICANE KATRINA DAYS, “WHITE GIRL FINDS FISH”
WHEN MYSPACE GOES WRONG
Things I learned at EPCOT this weekend.
May 25, 2008*It’s important to live off the land. More importantly, I learned that it’s funny to watch a guy eat a hamburger and then throw it’s wrapper on the floor while waiting in line to the ride about living off the land.
*Disney doesn’t think much of black people. Seriously, they have all these countries represented, but NONE of them feature black people at all. Every other ethnicity possible, but no black people. In fact, the only time I saw a black person in an exhibit was as a woman with a giant afro and knee high boots listening to disco music in a space station or something. That was the one ride inside the giant ball.
*Dinosaurs didn’t live with human beings but Ellen Degeneris pretends to interact with dinosaurs on screen. Kind of sends mixed messages to children.
*THEY RUINED THE DAMN MEXICO RIDE. Whoever decided to take the most boring, relaxing, chilled out ride and add in the preposterous animation of the three ducks acting like the Three Amigos should be drawn and quartered. I was so looking forward to five minutes of looking at pictures from 1978, but nooooo, instead I had to look at cartoon ducks ruining the cave diving scene. Ya know, screw the kids, EPCOT is for grown-ass adults.
*Beautiful women are imported to staff the European countries’ exhibits. Holy christ, I mean…the girls from Germany, France, China, Japan, Canada, and England not only had the most stereotypical attractive accents of all-time but were so gorgeous they made me nervous to look at the overpriced candies from their respective countries. I don’t remember any of the other countries, but I’m sure they were equally intimidating. This is why I can’t travel…I’d fall in love everywhere. Plus I made like $13k last year. That’ll keep you from traveling very far.
*While the Flower and Garden show yielded some genuinely lovely displays, Garden World sucked so hard. Honestly guys, if you can’t muster up the enthusiasm to have people available at the booths, how can you expect me to care? Plus, GARDEN WORLD…nobody gives a crap. They’re at a theme park not a Home Economics class.
*The Finding Nemo ride sucks pretty bad, but they’ve made that a requisite hoop you have to jump through to get to the aquarium. I was pretty upset with that. Oh and they must’ve greatly overestimated the public’s interest in the ride, because the line winds its way around for probably a quarter mile or so…but we went there and the wait time was 2 minutes. Which translates to straight-up walking onto the ride.
*Fife and drum bands KICK DICK. Someone want to start one with me? It was awesome. Oh and in Japan, they had this all-drum band that was cool but not as good as Foot Village. Look ‘em up, folks.
*Watching people taste-test the Italian soda at the free coke building is hilarious. I mean, it’s kind of bad, but it’s to be used as a palette cleanser, the way ginger is used with sushi. Not one kid reacted positively to it….with most either spitting it out or swallowing with a look of disgust and disbelief on their faces.
Great Headlines
May 24, 2008- FDA Warns of Harmful Nipple Cream
- Teen in Tux Saves Stranger in Store
- Clinton Explains RFK Assassination Reference
- Minor League Pitcher Traded For 10 Bats
- NASA Braces For 7 Minutes of Terror On Mars
- Drugs, Hookers Threaten Wildlife Refuges
- Monkey Snuck Onto Plane At OIA Gets Passenger Kicked Off
New hobbies I’ve taken up recently.
May 21, 2008I’ve started going on EBay and finding those auctions that have a buy it now price plus the option to send in a “best offer” bid and offering double the asking price for the auction. So far, I’ve only received 2 confused responses from sellers who wanted to know if I was a kid and/or didn’t understand how auctions work. Funnier still is that I have like a 600 positive feedback score, so I’m not sure these guys are fact-checking anything.
I also found an interest in finding these Oakland Sideshow videos posted on Youtube, creating new accounts, and talking enormous amounts of shit on their crews in the comments sections. It’s basically all these people who get tricked out cars together to do what my friend Nelson once termed “breakdancing with vehicles”. That description is spot-on, check out some videos if you have the time. But yeah, such heated arguments arise from claims that my fictitious car clubs are riding way rougher and have gangbanged all of the women in their posse. The hardest part with this is trying to type like I’m familiar with street slang AND internet jargon. Thus far, I’ve yet to go unchallenged, though, so it must be going ok. A couple comments have gotten deleted, signaling that these Sideshow heroes are probably a little sensitive. See guys, we are the same on the inside!
Oh and I’ve got pretty into reviewing my Netflix rentals using really crude language and imagery. Like, I reviewed the unrated Robocop the other day with: “Fifteen minutes before watching this movie, I learned that my grandfather had died. Twenty minutes into the movie, I couldn’t have cared less about the old bastard.” Netflix sent me a warning email about it, so I’ve got to watch out before it turns out like the angry email I got about editing Wikipedia articles incorrectly on purpose.
Thanks to 2012 rapidly approaching, the whole world is going nutty.
May 18, 2008Man, looking back on all of this, it took an unintended discriminatory tone. I apologize to one and all. But hey, funny is as funny does. I love everyone.
An argument for bringing pubic transit to Central Florida
Kind of like in North By Northwest
Police Arrest Thom Yorke circa 1993 in Connection With Wildfires
May 15, 2008
YOU ME AND EVERYTHING CAUGHT IN THE FIIIIIIRE
THINGS I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT
May 13, 2008the new five dollar bill, existential fear of being, whether or not we had advance knowledge of Pearl Harbor, hair care products, the price of stamps, Hooters chicken wings, fuel filters, how many plys are on my toilet paper, a Windsor knot on a necktie, motivational speakers, Christmas lights that look like chili peppers, mail-in rebates, the Geek Squad, and peeing sitting down.
Hey Lady Get Off My Case, Vol. 1
May 10, 2008The first in a series of posts detailing random encounters in which strangers wronged me in some way.
The other day, I had to run some errands so I decided to call my friend and see if he wanted to get a cup of coffee. Stopping at a diner, I decided to order a decaf tea. My reasoning is as such: it was pretty late in the afternoon, so I didn’t want any caffeine. Reasonable, right? Now, I readily admit that a decaf tea is not the most manly drink on the planet. But was it really necessary for the waitress to serve in to me in a rainbow mug?
