Looking for investors

OK, so occasionally I have ideas that will make me a million dollars. The following are proposals that will require your help and financial backing:

*Historical fiction- People love filthy gossip, especially about celebrities. Historical fiction allows writers to publish things that may not necessarily be entirely accurate about the past. My idea? I write steamy, out and out lies about famous historical figures. Who knew Eli Whitney was a child pornographer?  The Boston Massacre began when Crispus Attucks was secretly killed by John Adams in a double murder/suicide after a sexual tryst gone wrong, you say? When will the public be privy to the real story of the Unabomber, who acted out of lust for the ghost of John Maynard Keynes?

These texts will be used to teach a course in “fake history” at some liberal arts college. Students will register for the class fully aware that everything they learn will be grossly untrue. They will be tested on the material, which will be made up daily as the course progresses, often consisting of glaring logic flaws and inconsistencies in timelines. We will make a million dollars.

*”Gaydar” phone sex line- Alright, so follow me here for a minute. The Internet has kind of killed the market for phone sex, but there is one service that would be difficult to replicate online- our phone sex line that will help determine whether or not you might be gay, for like $5 a minute. See, the premise works like this: “I’m not gay, you’re not gay, but I’m going to pretend to be gay for a few minutes and you’ll see how you feel at the end of it. Now, if you’re not into, chances are you’re probably not gay…so for $20, you know pretty much for sure. If you are into it, that’s cool, no big deal. We will then provide a referral service to some hotlines, websites, and dating services that might suit your preferences. So now for $20, you can ease your way into things safely and without prejudice.” We will make a million dollars.

*New McDonald’s characters- McDonaldland has been pretty stagnant over the last however many decades…in order to keep up with the times, I propose we establish some new, possibly “hipper”, characters to show the public that Ronald McDonald isn’t some shut-in who is incapable of making new friends. First up, is Meg McMuffin. Look- Meg McMuffin is hot, no doubt about it. She has giant English Muffin for a body accent with subtle hints of egg and cheese. No bacon or ham because she’s sort of a lazy animal activist and vegetarian. Meg has a British accent, for obvious reasons. Nick Griddle is a rather portly young man who found his way into Ronald’s posse, mostly as security for the more important characters. His waffle-y muscles are bulging with maple syrup; unfortunately so is his sausage gut. Being young and impressionable, he had decided to get a giant “M” tatooed on his forehead, kind of typecasting him into being either part of the Micky D’s entourage or the University of Minnesota’s new logo. Fortunately for us, he chose the former. Lastly, we meet Dr. Finneus “McRib” McRibowitz. His tale is a sad story, filled with strong will and determination. The nickname “McRib”, coincidentally derived from his last name, is more a testament to his condition upon arrival to McDonaldland. The Hamburglar described his appearance as “little more than…skin and ribs”, this before his harrowing story had been told. With regret, we must reveal that Dr. McRibowitz is a survivor from Dachau, where he served in the labor camp for several years. He represents not only the importance in remembering the past (hence the significance of the McRib sandwich reappearing every few years), but also that the pork found in the sandwich, while being boneless, was originally attached to a living, breathing animal’s ribcage. Some things to reflect on.

So why are all the characters’ names plays on words? Because people love puns- McDonald’s is presumably run by people, who will consequently love puns. They will purchase these ideas, post-haste. We will make a million dollars.

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