1. Christmas
Crucial Info: What’s not to like? We have Phil Spector’s A Christmas Gift For You and Run D.M.C.’s “Christmas in Hollis,” which I tried to play at my aunt and uncle’s house when I was a kid, causing my aunt to yell, “This is an adult party.” F That! I also had a Pound Puppies Christmas album on vinyl that was just dogs barking to the tune of Christmas carols. My dad either threatened to throw it out of the 2nd story window, or actually did. I can’t remember.
Future Outlook: Should be a long stay at the top. People like gifts and Jesus, and I can’t imagine ever tiring of “Christmas in Hollis.”
2. Halloween
Crucial Info: Used to be 1A, but a move to a warmer climate slightly lessened my love for the holiday. Bonus points for talk of the harvest around this time of year, which allowed me to ask lots of questions including: do you think the harvest will be here soon, will it be a good harvest, is that a harvest moon, do you like the Neil Young album Harvest, hey lady do you mind if I sit here and talk about the harvest for a little while.
Future Outlook: The main enemies of Halloween are global warming and religious fundamentalism. One is inevitable, but we avoided a Mike Huckabee presidential bid.
3. 4th of July
Crucial Info: It’s a day off from work, so that’s worth something. There is also usually some combination of fireworks, alcohol, baseball, and grilling. Oaths of loyalty to America are optional but encouraged. One time I accidentally hit my friend in the leg with an errant firework; this friend is the same one mentioned in an earlier post (he hit a priest with a bottle rocket). Also I’m a big fan of the movie Bottle Rocket, but I guess that has nothing to do with the holiday.
Future Outlook: Pffff.
4. Hanukkah
Crucial Info: Perhaps a controversial choice, seeing as I’m not Jewish. However, I have always wished I was Jewish. I enjoy knishes and the works of Philip Roth and Woody Allen. Also Hanukkah looks like a lot of fun. And if I was Jewish I could eat Chinese food on Christmas.
Future Outlook: Solid. Could move up on next year’s list if the 4th of July slips.
5. Thanksgiving
Crucial Info: An incredibly popular holiday that I’ve never cared for. I don’t like turkey, and tensions always seem to run the highest around this time. It does always result in the much desired and rare 4 day weekend, so that moves it up on the list. Every once in a while there is a good football game but it’s usually just the boring Packers. Perhaps I have a problem with Thanksgiving because of the ramifications of The Indians Bring Gifts to Ax(e)l Rose, but I’m no psychiatrist.
Future Outlook: Unfortunately, strong.
6. Memorial Day
Crucial Info: Crucial late May holiday. This was a bigger deal when I was in school. May or may not have been the holiday during which my friend hit a priest with a bottle rocket.
Future Outlook: Good. Should surpass Thanksgiving with a strong showing this year.
7. Labor Day
Crucial Info: I like this one because it’s another day off of work, but it has negative associations: as a child, we always went back to school the day after Labor Day. Overall, an OK holiday that I don’t care about/think about until it happens. According to Wikipedia, you shouldn’t wear straw cowboy hats after Labor Day.
Future Outlook: Positive, but I don’t know if I like being told when I can’t
wear regular cowboy hats, let alone ones made of straw.
8. New Year’s Eve/Day
Crucial Info: Worthless holiday that I refuse to celebrate. I don’t go to New Years parties, instead opting to do the most mundane thing possible. I caused a huge problem on December 31, 1999 by watching a show about bugs on the Discovery Channel then announcing I was going to bed at 10:30.
Future Outlook: The Mayans say the world is ending in a few years, so hopefully that will be the end of this.
9. Easter
Crucial Info: Another worthless holiday, and the reason I’m typing this list instead of sitting in church or doing something with eggs or something. Man, do I hate Easter. The only positive was the 4 day weekend for Good Friday through Easter Monday, but no one does that anymore, as far as I know. Also is associated with perhaps the most ridiculous fictional holiday mascot, the easter bunny. Man, was that one mailed in.
Future Outlook: I don’t even want to talk about it.
10. Ramadan
Crucial Info: I grew up in an area of the country that has one of the highest Muslim populations in the U.S., so there was always a lot of talk about this. Also I remember one year Hakeem Olajuwon was fasting for Ramadan and Patrick Ewing totally dominated him. Ramadan is a month long ceremony that concludes with Eid ul-Fitr, a feast that starts with a prayer that includes the line “There is no deity but Allah.” What can I say, I like confidence.
Future Outlook: Good. I’m a big fan of ultra-traditional holidays.
Tags: Green Springs, Mountain Fever, Soulja Boy, Was Nico a Nazi Sympathizer?
March 23, 2008 at 9:47 pm |
First off- without a doubt, this is my favorite post on this here blog so far.
4th of July is always threatened by uncontrollable forest fires, so there’s usually potential for even more chaos than the neighborhood rednecks blowing off fingers with M-80s and firing guns wildly into the sky. And there was that one time that I lobbied Deltona to make their fireworks display coincide with- or more accurately, cause- the destruction of the old power plant on Doyle.
Halloween was really killer the one year where Cassadaga opened up the camp to the curious and swindled them for tons of money on a hokey tour of the town. I applaud the Spiritualists for continuously sticking it to the tourists, whether it’s unscrupulous psychic readings or ghost tours of the county park. Halloween has also lost points, in my mind anyway, for the decline in reports of creeps putting razor blades into apples. My love of gambling can be directly attributed to trick-or-treating amidst concerns from most major media outlets. Check out that beautiful use of alliteration in the previous sentence.
I will also use this forum to gripe about President’s Day. I mean, really, what the hell? Almost directly before I began attending public school, children were afforded days off for both George Washington and Abe Lincoln’s birthdays. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for acknowledging MLK Jr.’s contribution to our country, but I think he warrants an additional day off from school rather than prompting the two presidents’ birthdays to be recognized collectively as one crummy day where the post office is closed and I still have to go to work. Granted, the holidays still results in public schools getting 2 days off from class in the long run, but the principle remains- it could be THREE.
March 24, 2008 at 7:54 am |
Excellent point re: 4th of July. The combination of nature offering 95 degree temperatures and drought conditions and man offering explosives and alcohol is a beautiful thing. I remember your idea about the power plant. Too bad the fools in charge would have none of it – I bet people would have paid at least $20 to watch that.
March 24, 2008 at 12:30 pm |
Death to Islam!! Nothing personal of course