Ode to Florida

Last year was my 15th year in the state of Florida, so I thought I’d pay tribute by making a list of the best things that have happened while I was here. Also, this isn’t really an ode by definition, so don’t call me out on that. Anyway, on with the list:

1. Charles Barkley throws man through plate glass window on Church St.

This one needs no explanation; some guy pissed off Barkley and paid the price. I don’t remember what the issue was, but in my mind I like to think that they guy was angry that Sir Charles wasn’t included in the Sega version of NBA Jam.

2. My friend hits a priest with a bottle rocket.

My friend lit a bottle rocket during a holiday party (I don’t remember what holiday, although I do remember that it was NOT the 4th of July) and hit a priest in the leg. In a separate incident, he later started a huge fire in the woods. How huge? The fire department was called.

3. The semester where my hatred of my university forced me to retreat to community college.

I still needed to take some general education classes, and I really hated my school, so I went to community college for a semester. I took 2 classes: Art History II and Astronomy (the latter featuring Ross as my classmate). Art History was pretty forgettable, except for the time some radio station showed up and started playing real loud bass music outside of the classroom. Astronomy was a gold mine; I truly believe we witnessed a man losing touch with his reality. The teacher showed up 45 minutes late to the final exam, and a girl (his nemesis in the class) asked if we would have extra time to finish. He said no, and she yelled out “Don’t belittle me!” Good times. No, great times.

4. Brawl at a Magic game features generic but hilarious heckle.

I used to like basketball quite a bit, but I stopped following it when all of the great players retired. Anyway, I don’t remember what year this was, but the Magic still had Shaq and Penny, so that might give you some perspective. Anyway, the Magic were taking on the Cleveland Cavs and their infamous dirty player, Danny Ferry. I guess on this particular night he was being especially dirty, because Horace Grant punched him in the face. The crowd was pretty pumped, and some guy a few rows back yelled out, “Danny’s a fairy,” which I thought was a rather humorous play on words. I was also probably 12 at the time, but still.

5. Quantitative Business Tools I

In all honesty, this class needs an entry of its own. I’ll only scratch the surface here. This was another class I was enrolled in with Ross. Anyway, here are some things the professor did (keep in mind while you read these that this was a math class):

- Told us that murder was the hardest crime to solve (also worth noting: the lights were out when he told us this)

- Appeared to be fiscally liberal but had complete disdain for the environment and those who protect it

- Often made references to apartments/houses with “bodies in the walls.”

- Referred to one student as “that black girl”

- Time has made me forget perhaps his greatest accomplishment - maybe Ross can help me out on this one. One of the questions on his test featured a fake movie that he came up with, and the title was probably the best thing ever - something along the lines of Hot Actors Driving Fast Motorcycles. I don’t think that was it exactly. But you get the point.

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