Happy Opening Day

Aloha, Aloha Airlines

RIP, Aloha Airlines. I only used you twice, but your casual, Greyhound bus-like demeanor terrified me while your $20 flights appealed to the consumer inside of me.

How the dinosaurs went extinct

http://raptorsafari.com/

Unquestionably the best idea for a game I’ve ever seen. I can’t stop playing this game - sometimes quite literally; it’s made my browser freeze like 5 times already. If it was up to me, this is what history classes would be like at every grade level.

Events in my life that cannot be directly attributed to Free Masonry

1. Losing in the Volusia County Spelling Bee in the 2nd grade - I can’t remember what word I screwed up, but I’m pretty sure it had nothing to do compasses or King Solomon. Also, my mother tells me that 2 of the 3 judges were women and I don’t think the Masons had such an enlightened view of the world back then.

2. My pants falling down at a Valentine’s Day presentation that our parents were invited to in the 6th grade - As embarrassing as it may have been, I’m pretty sure credit for this assassination attempt on my good name lies on none other than myself for opting to not wear a belt during a silly recital type thing. The only private ceremony involved was the sobbing that took place immediately afterwards in the boy’s room.

3. Crashing my car into an I-4 on-ramp’s guard rail in 11th grade - A number of things led up to this event; hell, some people reading this were probably witnesses to the majority of them. Among them were bald tires, torrential rains, oil slick roads from a dry spell, a car load of people pumped on visiting DIY Records, and my unwillingness to pass up a yellow light. If this was a plot to carry out a murder, then the New World Order has my vote for “Most Organized, Secretive, Yet Ultimately Unsuccessful Organization of the Past 26 Years”. Even with a station wagon, it didn’t even dent the guard rail!

4. My employment at Pizza Stop - OK, this place was a mess of retarded stuff that made absolutely no sense and lots of requests for me to do things that were seemingly intended to cover up prior misdeeds, but none of it would be categorized as “ritualistic”. In fact, calling any of it a conspiracy would be giving far too much credit to what, in reality, is merely a crazed Italian gentleman.

5. The one time I was looking in the dumpster behind the Christian bookstore in Deland and a lady thought I was homeless - So I didn’t want to eat at the Jamaican restaurant and all my friends did…what was I supposed to do? I took a walk, figured I’d check out the dumpster behind the Christian Bookstore in hopes of maybe finding a broken Jesus statue or something. This lady asked me if I was homeless and told me I wouldn’t find any money or anything to eat in that trash. Then she asked if I needed any money…to which I responded with “yeah”, as the correct answer to such a question is always yes even if you don’t really need any money. Bafflingly she then declines to give me any money and leaves. Feeling defeated, I went back to the Jamaican joint and hung out until everyone was done eating, no money, no Jesus toys. So what’s the point of that story? I’m pretty sure a Free Mason, being an elite member of society, would have recruited me on the spot. Dignity and tact were displayed in full force, but this lady obviously had no grasp of high society. Plus a Mason probably could have coughed up a buck.

Everything else has been, thus far, either a direct result of the Masonic underworld’s actions, or at least inconclusive.

Reviewing My Last 5 Netflix Rentals in Haiku Form

Into the Wild (Sean Penn, 2007)

A good movie, but:
Sean Penn, take it down a notch
Burning money, dude?

Pauline at the Beach (Eric Rohmer, 1983)

Drama at the beach
Take it easy there Frenchy
That girl’s like fifteen

Dan in Real Life (Peter Hedges, 2007)

Steve Carell, Dane Cook
Singing solo Pete Townsend
One and a half stars

The Ice Storm (Ang Lee, 1997)

Ang Lee did The Hulk?
Hulk never had these problems
Good Kevin Kline!?! Rare.

Margot at the Wedding (Noah Baumbach, 2007)

Wow, subdued Jack Black
Holy crap, this lady’s nuts
Like, female Chigurh

I May “Take One For the Team,” so to speak

I’m beyond intrigued by the fact that the B-52’s have a new album out. There are just so many questions I have. Then I see this site and my intrigue triples. Look at that range of scores!!! And the closest thing to a legitimate review site is the Onion AV Club. I may buy this and review it on the blog.

Bonus Fun Fact: The B-52’s were the first concert I ever saw. I think the Cowboy Junkies were the opening band. There was an epic thunderstorm during the show.

If I can come up with roughly $375,000 these will be my new neighbors:

http://ftp.rootsweb.com/pub/usgenweb/fl/volusia/cemetery/lakehelen.txt?cj=1&o_xid=0002530104&o_lid=0002530104

 That’s all.

Not everything I post has to be an attempt at humor

There’s a good chance you’ve already seen this, but as someone who likes to ride bicycles all over the state, I can get behind the point this makes. Plus it’s fairly funny.

http://www.dothetest.co.uk/

Also worth mentioning here is that I’m looking to buy a decent road bike. My last one got crunched and I’ve never replaced it. Holla if you hear me.

Holiday Power Rankings

1. Christmas

Crucial Info: What’s not to like? We have Phil Spector’s A Christmas Gift For You and Run D.M.C.’s “Christmas in Hollis,” which I tried to play at my aunt and uncle’s house when I was a kid, causing my aunt to yell, “This is an adult party.” F That! I also had a Pound Puppies Christmas album on vinyl that was just dogs barking to the tune of Christmas carols. My dad either threatened to throw it out of the 2nd story window, or actually did. I can’t remember.

Future Outlook: Should be a long stay at the top. People like gifts and Jesus, and I can’t imagine ever tiring of “Christmas in Hollis.”

2. Halloween

Crucial Info: Used to be 1A, but a move to a warmer climate slightly lessened my love for the holiday. Bonus points for talk of the harvest around this time of year, which allowed me to ask lots of questions including: do you think the harvest will be here soon, will it be a good harvest, is that a harvest moon, do you like the Neil Young album Harvest, hey lady do you mind if I sit here and talk about the harvest for a little while.

Future Outlook: The main enemies of Halloween are global warming and religious fundamentalism. One is inevitable, but we avoided a Mike Huckabee presidential bid.

3. 4th of July

Crucial Info: It’s a day off from work, so that’s worth something. There is also usually some combination of fireworks, alcohol, baseball, and grilling. Oaths of loyalty to America are optional but encouraged. One time I accidentally hit my friend in the leg with an errant firework; this friend is the same one mentioned in an earlier post (he hit a priest with a bottle rocket). Also I’m a big fan of the movie Bottle Rocket, but I guess that has nothing to do with the holiday.

Future Outlook: Pffff.

4. Hanukkah

Crucial Info: Perhaps a controversial choice, seeing as I’m not Jewish. However, I have always wished I was Jewish. I enjoy knishes and the works of Philip Roth and Woody Allen. Also Hanukkah looks like a lot of fun. And if I was Jewish I could eat Chinese food on Christmas.

Future Outlook: Solid. Could move up on next year’s list if the 4th of July slips.

5. Thanksgiving

Crucial Info: An incredibly popular holiday that I’ve never cared for. I don’t like turkey, and tensions always seem to run the highest around this time. It does always result in the much desired and rare 4 day weekend, so that moves it up on the list. Every once in a while there is a good football game but it’s usually just the boring Packers. Perhaps I have a problem with Thanksgiving because of the ramifications of The Indians Bring Gifts to Ax(e)l Rose, but I’m no psychiatrist.

Future Outlook: Unfortunately, strong.

6. Memorial Day

Crucial Info: Crucial late May holiday. This was a bigger deal when I was in school. May or may not have been the holiday during which my friend hit a priest with a bottle rocket.

Future Outlook: Good. Should surpass Thanksgiving with a strong showing this year.

7. Labor Day

Crucial Info: I like this one because it’s another day off of work, but it has negative associations: as a child, we always went back to school the day after Labor Day. Overall, an OK holiday that I don’t care about/think about until it happens. According to Wikipedia, you shouldn’t wear straw cowboy hats after Labor Day.

Future Outlook: Positive, but I don’t know if I like being told when I can’t
wear regular cowboy hats, let alone ones made of straw.

8. New Year’s Eve/Day

Crucial Info: Worthless holiday that I refuse to celebrate. I don’t go to New Years parties, instead opting to do the most mundane thing possible. I caused a huge problem on December 31, 1999 by watching a show about bugs on the Discovery Channel then announcing I was going to bed at 10:30.

Future Outlook: The Mayans say the world is ending in a few years, so hopefully that will be the end of this.

9. Easter

Crucial Info: Another worthless holiday, and the reason I’m typing this list instead of sitting in church or doing something with eggs or something. Man, do I hate Easter. The only positive was the 4 day weekend for Good Friday through Easter Monday, but no one does that anymore, as far as I know. Also is associated with perhaps the most ridiculous fictional holiday mascot, the easter bunny. Man, was that one mailed in.

Future Outlook: I don’t even want to talk about it.

10. Ramadan

Crucial Info: I grew up in an area of the country that has one of the highest Muslim populations in the U.S., so there was always a lot of talk about this. Also I remember one year Hakeem Olajuwon was fasting for Ramadan and Patrick Ewing totally dominated him. Ramadan is a month long ceremony that concludes with Eid ul-Fitr, a feast that starts with a prayer that includes the line “There is no deity but Allah.” What can I say, I like confidence.

Future Outlook: Good. I’m a big fan of ultra-traditional holidays.

Haikus for Good Friday/Easter Weekend

Rabbit hiding eggs
In defiance of our lord
Christ’s back, on the hunt.

Just one month each year
Cadbury yields a profit
Rest is spent temping.

Peeps ain’t vegan, man
Gelatin’s in marshmallows
Plus they look like chicks.

Liturgical year
Disregarding time standards
Free lunch comes early.

updated: 

Only one meal, huh?
Good Friday sounds lame…unless
Next meal’s a buffet.